Here is my reaction to being tasked to come up with my very own PIC. This is in response to the The Deuce Lutui Story found on the website TBOLITNFL.com. If you don’t know it, I suggest reading my post on PIC first.
The other day I received this email from my mom and I read this link to the Steve Hardison video and the Deuce Lutui story. She told me to watch it and think long and hard about it.
I finished it yesterday and I’ve been thinking about it…a lot. My first thought upon finishing the video was…who am I?…why am I here? How can I use my gifts to best glorify my God?
I thought of several things that I wanted to do and wanted out of life, and then it came – the doubt. This can’t be right? I’ve always wanted these things, even when I seemed to have completely forgotten them, these were my deepest buried desires. Where was the Silver Bullet I was looking for? You know, the AHA! moment where you say, I’ve been denying my talents and running in the wrong direction, THIS is where I need to be going. But that didn’t happen. I thought about it for a moment and then I resolved to search for it. I scanned the PIC comments and thought “surely others will help inspire me…”. Many of the comments were good, some were great, many were sentiments I also shared, statements I could heartily Amen. But still, I didn’t want to just rip off another’s commitment. Something like this is PERSONAL, it has to be special. On top of matters a lot of the people posting seemed to have a personal relationship with Steve so that furthered my discouragement. So then, I went back and I began reading the letter correspondence between Steve Hardison and Deuce and I saw the link in Steve’s signature to his website. I thought to myself “Hey, isn’t this the website that Deuce was instructed to ‘sautee’ in right before his life-changing moment? Surely this will have the answers I seek”. Still nothing.
So in spite of that I decided to write out what I wanted for my life and the kind of person I wanted to be. I could hear my mind’s chatter in the back. “What will make this time different? This isn’t anything you don’t already know? Why don’t you have this if you want it so much? Do you really want this? Maybe you still don’t know what you want, maybe you’ll never know. If these are the things you are most passionate about, why don’t you pursue them with the passion of other people around you? Maybe you want to many things, you’re diluting your passion? Why won’t you just do SOMETHING? Make up your mind, you can’t have all this….”and on on the thoughts assaulted me to the typical rhythym of about 2,000 every hour. Reading my commitments back to myself I thought, Yes, this seems to be what I want for my life today. Something is still missing though…I wish I could make this list a little smaller though, maybe I need to whittle it down, make it more managable. Maybe I should just keep like 3 of these, make it catchy, make it punch. Make an Acronym at least. Make it more like Deuce’s.
Now it is the next day and I spend part of my afternoon scouring the boards again, looking for that final ingredient to give it a kick. As I’m reading the different PICs posted by users I become aware of my internal dialogue. “That’s not a PIC, that statement is too vague, well that would be nice to be the best XYZ in Az but someone else might have the exact same goal, only one of them is going to get there.” And then it hit me.
The only thing all these PICs have in common is that they are all different. Some are short, some are long, some include the personal and some don’t but they were all JUST RIGHT for the person who wrote them in that moment. Which made me realize, I’m putting this off. I’m finding any reason to avoid going all the way. Resistance they call it. I’m always searching for PERFECTION, things have to be just so…but why? And why is it the answer always has to come from someone else? Then it REALLY hit me. I’M NOT ENOUGH…that’s the thought I’ve been struggling with for years, the saboteur of all my past efforts. And now I recall that motif had been present in many of the pics I had already read but it didn’t sink in until now. I’M NOT ALONE, others feel this way too. Part of the belief that we are not enough is the complementary belief that others are, that wholeness can be found in them. But this too is a LIE. Why? because we all think it. We all think that somehow the other one is more complete, more capable than we are. I believed it, I don’t want to speak for others entirely but I know I am not alone in saying that others share this belief. It’s a fundamental flaw of the human condition. And in part I think it’s true. But it’s not the end of the story. Our Creator promises us new life in him. God says in Ezekiel: “I will give you a new heart and put a new spirit in you;
I will remove from you your heart of stone and give you a heart of flesh.”
This is his promise to us. As Christians I, we are a new creation in Christ. This is the faith that tells us that we are not enough, but God will make it so. This is how I believe we are to live and in so doing give a witness of spiritual transformation in our lives. My mind makes the connection in my life, if I’m not enough – how then will I avoid failing? But the real question is, how is anything possible without it? What is the worth of anything difficult to obtain – is it not tenfold to that which comes easily? I think I’ve always been afraid to fail, maybe even to succeed but most importantly – I’ve been afraid to be found out. If I share myself with the world, they will see I’m wanting, they will laugh at me, they will see my weakness, even…they might hurt me. I have avoided being known ALL MY LIFE, with just a few exceptions. Even when I disagree with someone I don’t want to express it because I’m afraid that I won’t be able to defend my position sufficiently; ie I will be found wanting inadequate. As a child the parable that scared me the most was of the talents entrusted to the servants. For those of you that don’t know it, it can be found here: http://bible.org/seriespage/parable-talents-matthew-2514-30-luke-1912-28
There is another saying in the Word, “Luke 16:10 – He that is faithful in that which is least is faithful also in much…” This is similar to one of Brian Klemmer’s sayings that kind of explains it further, “How you do anything is how you do everything”. Boy is that the truth. All my life I have played defensively, not giving away anymore than I have to, addressing challenges when they meet me, avoiding conflict whenever possible, rising to the occasion only when absolutely necessary or no one else will. I want to be the person that stands up, that plans and takes massive action, that takes calculated risks, that runs headlong into adversity when it’s the wisest course.
Just last night, I was listening to a Cd on Time Management by Eric Lofholm and he said on it, “completion is far more important than perfection”. He went on to say that for perfectionists, this is the most important lesson in the series. I believe that he is right, and also that statement came directly from God. All these things created the Perfect Storm to showing me what it was that I was missing, I had to be shown over and over in various ways for this single thought to penetrate – I am Enough, God makes me more than enough. I can achieve anything I put my mind to and I am capable of putting plans into action to create my reality. Trials will come, but I have the assurance of victory over them. I wasn’t able to finish this in one sitting so I went home and prayed about what exactly to put here last night, and I feel this sums it up best.
Armed with that statement I know that whatever it is I feel is my purpose is not wrong, it may change in the future, but that’s okay. I’ll still plow ahead with what I feel is my direction for the moment. And so that brings me back to the PIC. The first two parts are somewhat easy Personal – It must be tailored to me. Internal – It must come from deep within, a natural desire. Commitment - Laying it on the line, making a statement of this is who I am to the world, or even a part of it. Historically, this has been the most difficult and I can tell you right now I even feel nauseous and I have a killer headache which means I am encountering incredible resistance from my mind and body right now. The reasons, once again as stated above – also tells me I’m going in the right direction. . I’m committing to something, not giving myself permission but fully devoting myself to the purpose of doing the greatest good I can, for others and for my God. And also, because it exposes me, for all the world to see. I’m not one to take that sort of thing likely. Even now, I’m forcing out of my mind thoughts of what others might think, what they might say, how I will feel, on and on and on.
The alternative however is to squander my god-given gifts, hide who I am, retreat from the world, stay comfortable, make a minimum impact – never be remembered. That’s not what I want for my life, and now, I believe I was called to be much more. Based on what I have learned previously elsewhere, I tried to make some of my commitments measurable. So, without further ado, here is my PIC and who I am from this day forward:
I AM Among the Top 10 Artists on DeviantArt.com. I have over 100 million page views
I AM A Master at capturing my imagination & sharing it with the World
I OWN a successful Art, Game, and Design Studio.
I AM Driven, focused, and consumed by my passion and vision.
I AM 170lbs, attractive, fit and full of energy every day.
I AM BOLD, FEARLESS, BLESSED, ENERGETIC, DEDICATED, GENTLE
I AM A Servant leader, a great friend | A wonderful husband, a passionate lover
I AM A Best-Selling Writer & Illustrator
I AM A talented actor, musician, digital composer
I AM Pursuing Peace and Righteousness with all men. Blameless before the LORD by his grace.
I AM Making a six figure income.
I AM Married to a beautiful, talented, God-fearing woman
Thanks to Deuce and Steve and thanks to all of you.
Grand Junction, Colorado